my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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