I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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