Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
