FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
