all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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