I'm so fucking centered right now
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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