Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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