My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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