Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
