We need to rekindle our bromance
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
