I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize