I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize