she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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