The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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