I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
