not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
