On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
