I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
