he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
