I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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