that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
