What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
