I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
