We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Terrible idea I love it
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
