My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
