I faked an abortion last night.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
