my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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