When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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