god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
