this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
