I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize