I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
