I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Randomize
