there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
