I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
