I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize