Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We have so much sex to catch up on
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
