the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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