I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
