i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
