First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
