Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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