The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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