in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
