white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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