Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
