We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It's blow job season.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
