I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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