A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
