i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
