we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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