btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Buhtt sex?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
