Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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