thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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