maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
