One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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