I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
