hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
