So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
